The Mutant Chronicles dir. by

16 October 2008

Genre: ,
Cast: , , , , , , , , , ,

See also: IMDb ; Elsewhere

Okay so I knew this was going to be rubbish. But then again look at that cast. How could I resist? And to be honest I was expecting something resembling a plot to show up somewhere. It never did. And without a plot it is pretty hard to have characters that have any motivation for anything they do. Although in fairness these all were such walking stereotypes that you needed no motivation. They even had one of the black guys die first! How clichéd is that?

In case you were wondering the plot was supposed to be about some machine, sent by the “enemy”[1] which transformed the near dead into mutants who do nothing but kill, and bring back others for the machine to turn. Exposition[2] tells us that after the last ice-age the machine was defeated, temporarily, by being hidden under ground. But since then, this is the year 2707, man has forgotten what once he knew. Oh yeah, and all the world has been taken over by four corporations who are continually at war with one another. I suppose that is as good a reason as any for soldiers to be milling about.

Anyways thats a whole heap of backstory to explain away a mess of a story that really didn’t need it. They coulda just started off with the machine. But whatever. It is their mess. And boy oh boy is it ever a mess.

Plus, with Irish. A weird-ass version of Ár n-Athair[3] But still. Irish[4]

So with all that negativity you can just tell that I’m going to say I hated it, can’t you? ;) But I didn’t. Yes it was pish. Utter pish. But so pish it was fun. And I think it might possibly be incredibly improved by the imbibing of alcohol before watching. So that’d be my recommendation, go get hammered, then watch. You’ll love it.

Oh, I almost forgot, apart from some ropey special effects it does look quite cool. I’m a fan of the whole steampunk look, and while this isn’t quite that, it does have a cool world war one vibe to it. So that’s pretty nifty.


  1. by which someone means the devil. Cause tick the religion box for this one
  2. and omg that accent!
  3. that would be the Our Father prayer. In Irish.
  4. – I think Ron must have a grá for it. Afterall first Hellboy, now this.

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9 Responses

  1. Harlequin says:

    Damn, I was looking forrard tae this! Thomas Jane sigh swoon etc etc.

  2. Fence says:

    I still say go watch it. Just expect crap and you'll have agreat time. Cause Thomas Jane! No story, no characters, no sense. But Thomas Jane! And it looks cool. Drink enough vodka and it just may be the very bestest film ever ;)

  3. Harlequin says:

    Ah, Thomas Jane. God, I love that man. Any crap film I've ever seen with him in it (I'm specifically thinking Dreamcatchers here…) has been improved by his magnificence. He's my favourite thoughtful action hero. Sigh. Swoon. (repeat as needed)

  4. Fence says:

    Not so much with the thoughtful in this one though :)

  5. Harlequin says:

    But if the occasion called for it, he is capable of thinking. So it's ok. :-) God, I must rewatch him in Deep Blue Sea. Where he not only out-thinks the mad scientists and the genetically modified sharks, he also does that thing with the ladder hanging over the water and him hanging on with his legs and pulling himself back up with the aid of his rock-hard abs. While wearing a wetsuit.



    And so forth.

  6. jean pierre says:

    haha! i rather fancied watching this too, for the same reasons, and like you i have quite a high tolerance for this sort of thing.

    thanks for the recommended viewing procedure… i think i'll be following that advice! ;)

  7. Fence says:

    Careful now H. All that swooning can't be good for your health :)

    I look forward to reading your thoughts then JP

  8. Harlequin says:

    Swooning could actually be a healthy thing to do – you need to get horizontal to get the blood flowing properly again, so the body makes you faint to make it happen. S'why people faint when forced to stand for hours on trains or in parades. Maybe. It's called the Central Ischaemic Response.

    Plus, I like getting weak at the knees over Thomas Jane. And Hugh Jackman. No-one else is making me weak these days. Sigh.

  9. jean pierre says:

    it won't be terribly soon. the tv police won't allow it so i have to watch it whle the cat's away. (talk about mixing your metaphors!)