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A Pelican at Blandings by P.G. Wodehouse
I sometimes fear that people might think that fascism arrives in fancy dress worn by grotesques and monsters as played out in endless re-runs of the Nazis. Fascism arrives as your friend. It will restore your honour, make you feel proud, protect your house, give you a job, clean up the neighbourhood, remind you of how great you once were, clear out the venal and the corrupt, remove anything you feel is unlike you…It doesn’t walk in saying, “Our programme means militias, mass imprisonments, transportations, war and persecution.”Michael Rosen: I sometimes fear…
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.Reblogging because there are some sassy little shits out there.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?
Can we just take a moment to appreciate how diverse all the female body types are?
Up until recently it seemed like there was just a stock body shape for shows, and now I’m seeing so many different ones and it makes me happy. It’s just really lovely.
Adventure Time and Bravest Warriors both created by pen ward. Natasha Allegri is the creator of bee and puppycat, Rebecca Sugar is the creator of Steven Universe. Both have worked on Adventure Time as well.
There are so many problems with what the Daily Mail have done here but I’m going to list them as succinctly as I can.
1) You clearly misunderstand the phrase ‘No questions asked’ considering your reporter was interviewed by a member of staff in great detail about their situation. This included questions about how much JSA was being received. That is not no questions asked. An unemployed person no longer receives a benefits book and shouldn’t have to carry their letter a around with them everywhere. Or would you like them to have that badge of shame?
2) You sent a reporter to lie to a government employee. You have committed a crime in order to further ridicule services put in place to help those in need. You also named the worker. As someone who has bent the system once or twice to help a fellow human being, you have probably put her job in jeopardy. I guess you’d like her to join the masses of ‘benefits scroungers’ you love to demonise?
3) You will now make it necessary for stricter measures to be put in place in terms of ID for people who can’t afford food. A passport renewal costs £80. Do you really not see the problem here? Or they may not be able to print a bank statement? Or find their benefits letter?
4) You went and redeemed a food voucher that could have helped someone WHO ACTUALLY NEEDS IT. You took food from a food bank that you did not need. Someone who does need it will now miss out and that is something which is directly your fault.
This whole piece is sickening and the ‘journalists’ involved should be ashamed.