Susan Hated Literature

Yeah, that’s right, it is time for the return of The X Factor. I do love this show. I also hate it. Telly and I have a complex relationship. Just deal with it.

And this year we have a new judge, Cheryl somewan or other. From Girls Aloud, so the interwebs reveal. ooohhhh. Colour me impressed!

And the show starts off with a totally ott arrival of the four judges. In FOUR different helicopter. Won’t some one think of the environment. And of course references to whatsherface, you know, yer wan what sang about her bleedin heart. Leona. And yes, before you start, I pay no attention to these shows once we get past the point and laugh stage. Which is mean and nasty and bitchy. But oh so much fun.

I do feel sorry for a lot of these people. So called contenders that really can’t sing. Have they never heard themselves sing? Has no one ever said “don’t go on the telly singing, because while you’re grand at the karaoke, you aren’t good enough to go in front of Mr. Brutal”. I guess if they all listened to that then the likes of The X Factor wouldn’t be so popular.

I’m really enjoying Cheryl’s reactions. She seems so horrified that the auditions are so terrible. She was expecting a higher standard. ha! Has she never watched the show?

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Last night I switched on ITV at 9 o’clock. This meant that I watched Britain’s Got Talent.

And so much worse than that was the fact that I actually enjoyed it.

Yes there were some terrible acts, and Piers Morgan is a bad version of a poor imitation of Simon, but Simon was his usual entertaining self. And while I don’t really know yer wan Amanda all that well she seemed nice, and not in a Paula “insane, inane, and terrible fake” Abdul way. So I found it entertaining, in a mindless enough fashion.

The shame.

Especially when I watched Tony’s act because I thought that he really was good. And even the overly-sentimental music^[1] that ITV play whenever anyone has a sad story^[2] to tell didn’t ruin it.

Luckily I am not alone, cause other people have been watching and enjoying too.

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While waiting eagerly^[1] for the Eurovision^[2] to begin earlier today I was flicking between Remarkable Vets^[3] and The Culture Show^[4] Neither were all that good or gripping, but I’d already watched American Idol^[5] so my expectations weren’t too high^[6] The Culture Show had some entertaining segments, like how Tom & Jerry inspired a classical pianist when he was only 2, that sort of rubbish, but then it also had a segment giving out about the various crap shows^[7] that go to make up much of the television schedule. You know, that who will star in this musical, the Beeb are trying to find Joseph while ITV are looking for a Sandra and a Danny for Grease. Neither of these reality shows is much good. I’ve seen a grand total of part of Grease is the Word and I wasn’t impressed, but you know what my solution to this was? Yup, I didn’t watch it again^[8]

Now I can appreciate that this TV critic dude^[9] has to watch television as part of his job, but can’t he simply say that this or that is shite and explain why without being reduced to insulting people? I’ve no problem with making bitchy comments about people on the telly^[10] But making those comments while on telly yourself is just mean and nasty^[11] Especially considering that these people^[12] are never going to be famous, and that the shows are exploiting them. Plus there is nothing really offensive about any of them. So taking cheap shots at them just doesn’t seem fair to me. It isn’t as if they have any way to reply to the accusation that they are “real people” and so aren’t glamorous.

And yes, the whole notion of having the Josephs parade around in their loincloths in front of their mothers was odd^[13] but, if you^[14] actually engaged your brain you might have figured out that they’ll have to wear those on stage if they make it, and what better way to see how they react^[15] than by surprising them like that?

I wouldn’t have minded if yer man had been funny with it, because that can be laughed off, but he wasn’t. Trying, yes, he was trying to be humorous. Didn’t succeed though.

I do appreciate Mr. Critic’s view that reality TV is shite, but shouldn’t you give out about the people who are entertained by these mindless drivel rather than by the performers themselves? Can’t you just not watch it, make no mention of it, stop feeding the publicity machine, and maybe they’ll fade away. And if they don’t, stop moaning, television is about providing entertainment, and if people are entertained by shite then that is what they’ll get. When will people cop on to the fact that if you don’t like watching something you do have the option of turning off the telly? No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to sit on your coach staring at that magic box in the corner. If you don’t like the show turn over; if you don’t like any of the shows turn it off and fucking do something else^[16]

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Hola muchachos y muchachas, and welcome to 2007.

How did everyone get over the holiday season? I hope you went along with Budweiser’s wishes and had a good one.

Mine was the usual. Although I did manage to discover “living things” inhabiting the mutt, which meant he had to take a shower, which he doesn’t really like. You’d think he’d be delighra over having a warm shower instead of a freezing cold hosing, but he never shows any gratitude. I also got to meet the new cat, she^[1] is a tabby, silver white with black stripes. And for a stray she is ultra tame. Even gets on well with the mutt; he isn’t so fond of her chasing his tail. He also has a case of that green eyed monster, and anytime anyone shows herself a bit of attention he has to come over to investigate. Then again, he was always sorta like that, just a little more so now.

As for the new year resolutions, well many years ago I made one to never make any more, and I’m sticking to that one.

Anyone catch Celebrity Big Brother?
I know, I moan about the stupidness of the regular one, and that last celeb version was unwatchable, but you just gotta tune in to see who they manage to get on.

And this year we have a whathisface Jackson, Michael’s brother, who looked very very uncomfortable and out of place. Leo Sayers, who seemed to know everyone from some party or other. Teddy Sherringham’s girlfriend who got booed coming in, but she seems like just a nice young wan.

Biggest idiot of the night award goes to the no-name from whatever that band is called. The fella who tried to impress everyone with his cursing and giving the crowd the finger. Loved their reply, chants of “Who Are Ya?” Honestly, giving people the finger, if you are over 15 or 16 then it just makes you look like an arsehole.

My favourite celeb, obviously was Face from A-Team.

Don’t know if I’ll watch anymore, but sure that was an entertaining evening watching all the celebs and non-celebs arrive.

I’ve also started watching that Medium thingy, I’m not to sure if I like the stories and plots, but sure yer man from American Gothic is reason to watch. Not that he is fanciable^[2] or anything, but I like him as an actor. It’s also nice to see a married couple on telly without them being in a soap.

Speaking of telly, which i was, I also watched the first episode of Heroes, despite the fact that it doesn’t start until February, and not through any illegal file-sharing activity, but through the wonders of free internet telly, okay, so the quality of the picture aint that great. But you know what? Yup, that’s right, it is FREE! It also seems to have Veronica Mars season three, so I may actually watch it without waiting for the dvd.

As you are probably aware, I’ve missed a few Unconscios Muttering Sunday/Mondays, what with the Christmas and the not being online, but look, it is week 204 and Luna Nina says:

1. Resolution ::
2. Happy ::
3. Bubbly ::
4. Kiss ::
5. Leather ::
6. Fancy ::
7. Pages ::
8. Stupid ::
9. Apologize ::
10. Secrets ::

Continue Reading »

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I’m not a big fan of reality tv. I’ve never watched more than 1 episode of any of the seasons of Big Brother, apart from that celeb one with Jack Dee^[1] but my one weakness is The X-Factor. I’ll watch the odd episode of American Idol, but The X-Factor has to be the best of them all. Course, it starts off exactly the same as all the other “you wanna be famous” reality shows. The auditions.

And we watch because they are car-crash tv. People who want, who desire so very much to be famous. Who are convinced that they have what it takes to be the next big thing. And so very often the only talent they have is self-delusion. And you have to ask that box in the corner of the room, Why didn’t their friends ever tell them?

Seeing the thousands of people queueing up, and knowing they’ll all get up and sing in front of the judges, you just know you’d be as mean as Simon. Simply out of frustration. How many times can you hear someone murder a song before you crack? I wince hearing those tiny segments of hell they play, I don’t think I’d be able to listen to the thousands and thousands of the hopeless, just to hear the hundred or so who might be worth hearing again.

Despite the pain of these performances I still tune in to hear them brutalising songs, songs that were pretty brutal^[2] in the first place. Okay, so one reason is that there is nothing else on the telly at that time, but I also like it. Maybe because it is actually real. Most reality tv is ultra contrived. Big Brother is as far from reality as you can get. Celebrity Love Island? How is that reality? Now, I’m well aware that plenty about The X-Factor is totally edited to “create” an effect, it is more real than the others. Like that wan who was on today’s episode. She who runs the Louis Walsh fan club. People that insane can only be real

Once they get down to the serious part of the competition I lose interest. I’ll tune in every now and then, but I really only enjoy these first few weeks.

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I’ve remembered what it was that it was that I was going to post yesterday but then didn’t, cause I forgot what it was. And what it was about was Wife Swap. yes I know, reality TV is the bottom of the barrel, and Wife Swap is really very contrived, with its searching out couples whose lifestyles and personal philosophies are so opposed. But still, its contrived tension and conflict is entertaining. It is much better than the US version, Trading Spouses with their over the top narration, and the importance placed on money. I’m sure that the Wife Swap couples get money, why else would you do it, but it isn’t mentioned and isn’t such a big deal throughout the show.

Watching Wife Swap really makes you wonder about people, and how its possible that ordinary everyday people can hold such beliefs, or be so arrogant and selfish that they can’t see that other people have every right to behave in a different manner to them. I know that the shows are probably edited to make certain circumstances look worse, but letting your nine year old daughter drink alcohol is probably not such a good idea. And letting her drink Wicked is a really bad one. I mean, a glass of watered wine at a meal isn’t going to do much damage is it? But starting a kid on alco-pops?

But what makes it really interesting is that you can see that some people do actually change. And that they may put up a front of “I’m right. You’re fucked up” but they do learn something.

And sometimes you see that there are really nice people out there. One of the husbands^[1] in this week’s show was just such a decent fella. It was strange, normally they start out okay but then turn a bit nasty. Or are a bit horrible from the start, but this one was just nice all the way through. I don’t mean that he didn’t have arguments with the swappee, because he did. And he was the father who thought it was okay for his daughter to drink Wicked. But at the same time it was so obvious that he was doing what he thought was right. And he was just a nice bloke.

Mind you, maybe it was in comparison with the other husband, who wasn’t totally awful, but he was very much in the “I’m right, the world is wrong” mold. He and his wife had uprooted their family and lived on a remote part of some island, because they’d seen the modern world and didn’t like it. Fair enough, be that way, but then why volunteer for a show when you know you are going to have someone with very different views come into your home. And their attitude to cursing was pretty Victorian. What is so wrong with an occasional wanker But I suppose getting a fluffy pink, hard, drinking, cursing swapee was a bit of a shock to his system.

Does all this mean I’ve changed my mind on reality TV? Will I now be tuning in to Big Brother when, the adverts tell me, it starts soon. Hell no! BB is the evil spawn of a soul-sucking, personality-destroying celebrity demon. It is piss. And can someone please explain how watching people sleep is now regarded as entertainment?^[2]

Reality tv is rarely actually real. It is all set-up and pretend, but every now and then real life will actually peep through, and that is when it is good tv.

And don’t you just love Ray Winstone? There is a great interview with him in The Observer, and his new film All In The Game which is said to boast one of the highest expletive counts on film

we had a meeting with the Channel 4 producer about a week before we started shooting and he had the script and there were about a thousand stickers in it - blue, yellow, green, pink - and I said “What’s all that?”, and he said, green is fucking, yellow is cunt, blue is racial abuse or whatever, and he said, “We should have a cunt reduction.”

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*Please imagine a pic of Ian McNeice as the Newsreader from Rome here* Let it be known across this land known as the Pretty Cunning blog that no discussion of celebrity big brother shall be tolerated. Any individual found to be mentioning the actions of Denis Rodman, George Galloway or Michael Barrymore, or indeed, any of the various other insignificant celebrities shall result in immediate shunning. There may also be the pointing of the finger, and the laughing^[1]

*change gesture* This foul programme must be eradicated from the television. Big Brother delenda est.

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