Susan Hated Literature

Dir: Simon Hunter
Writ: Philip Eisner

• Thomas Jane … Maj. ‘Mitch’ Hunter
• Ron Perlman … Brother Samuel
• Devon Aoki … Cpl. Valerie Duval
• Sean Pertwee … Capt. Nathan Rooker
• Benno Fürmann … Lt. Maximillian von Steiner
• John Malkovich … Constantine
• Anna Walton … Severian
• Tom Wu … Cpl. Juba Kim Wu
• Steve Toussaint … Capt. John McGuire
• Luis Echegaray … Cpl. Jesus ‘El Jesus’ de Barrera
• Pras … Captain Michaels

See also: IMDb ; Elsewhere

Okay so I knew this was going to be rubbish. But then again look at that cast. How could I resist? And to be honest I was expecting something resembling a plot to show up somewhere. It never did. And without a plot it is pretty hard to have characters that have any motivation for anything they do. Although in fairness these all were such walking stereotypes that you needed no motivation. They even had one of the black guys die first! How clichéd is that?

In case you were wondering the plot was supposed to be about some machine, sent by the “enemy”^[1] which transformed the near dead into mutants who do nothing but kill, and bring back others for the machine to turn. Exposition^[2] tells us that after the last ice-age the machine was defeated, temporarily, by being hidden under ground. But since then, this is the year 2707, man has forgotten what once he knew. Oh yeah, and all the world has been taken over by four corporations who are continually at war with one another. I suppose that is as good a reason as any for soldiers to be milling about.

Anyways thats a whole heap of backstory to explain away a mess of a story that really didn’t need it. They coulda just started off with the machine. But whatever. It is their mess. And boy oh boy is it ever a mess.

Plus, with Irish. A weird-ass version of Ár n-Athair^[3] But still. Irish^[4]

So with all that negativity you can just tell that I’m going to say I hated it, can’t you? But I didn’t. Yes it was pish. Utter pish. But so pish it was fun. And I think it might possibly be incredibly improved by the imbibing of alcohol before watching. So that’d be my recommendation, go get hammered, then watch. You’ll love it.

Oh, I almost forgot, apart from some ropey special effects it does look quite cool. I’m a fan of the whole steampunk look, and while this isn’t quite that, it does have a cool world war one vibe to it. So that’s pretty nifty.

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Dir: Tim Story
Writ: Don Payne, Mark Frost, John Turman. Characters created by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby.

1. Ioan Gruffudd … Reed Richards
2. Jessica Alba … Sue Storm
3. Chris Evans … Johnny Storm
4. Michael Chiklis … Ben Grimm
5. Julian McMahon … Victor Von Doom
6. Doug Jones … The Silver Surfer
7. Laurence Fishburne … The Silver Surfer (voice)

This was pants. Complete pants. Not even bad enough to be enjoyed.
Harsh? Maybe, but true. I wasn’t overly fond of the first film but it did the job of light entertainment. This one though was boring. An unforgivable flaw in an action-hero flick. Everything was ultra predictable, and nothing sparkled. Not even McMahon as the ebil Von Doom. And I can’t be the only one who is totally Fishburne’s supposedly gravitas filled delivery of lines. Yes, it worked in the first of the Matrix films, but it seems as though ever since then he has been called upon whenever a “serious voice” is needed. Enough already. Especially when the Silver Surfer was probably the only thing about this film that I liked.

There isn’t really that much more to say about this. I wasn’t impressed. I was bored. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

IMDb | Stainless Steel Droppings | Cinematical | The Movie Blog

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Dir: Andrew Davis
Writ: Ron L. Brinkerhoff

• Kevin Costner - Ben Randall
• Ashton Kutcher - Jake Fischer
• Sela Ward - Helen Randall
• Melissa Sagemiller - Emily Thomas
• Clancy Brown - Capt. William Hadley

Grizzled old veteran teaches impudent new pup how to be a rescue swimmer.
And that is about it.

But if that was all I said it’d make for a pretty short review, so I’ll just bullshit away here for a few minutes. The Guardian is a pretty crap version of Top Gun only instead of planes and war you get oceans and rescues. But the rest is fairly similar; elite training camp, male bonding, token females, death of team-members, training montage etc etc. But all in all it isn’t terrible.

It is however full of very cliché in film history, so there are no surprises at all, everything happens exactly as you might expect. Even the “cool slow-motion shots” occur when you think they might. The only thing surprising about this film is the length. It does drag towards the end. And the beginning. And the middle isn’t too well-paced either.

But it is still watchable, laughable yes, but also watchable.

IMDb | Reason To Believe | PopDVD | The Renaissance Man

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ISBN: 1841492531
DDC: 823.92
The First Parrish Plessis Book
Author: Marriane De Pierres

First line:
If Jamon Mondo touched me one more time I’d kill him.

I almost wish I hadn’t finish this book. I was on the verge of tossing it around two thirds in, but figured I’d read this far might as well see how it ends. But the final third is actually quite good. Not sure if it is enough to make up for the first part, But now I am a little curious about the next books in the series.

When we first meet Parrish she is low on the pecking order, a bodyguard-come-unwilling companion to a local gang leader. And in this is a dystopian Australia of the future if you go against the gang leaders without backup you end up dead. And most likely after a spell of torture.

So when Parrish runs into Dark and Sto she thinks that maybe by using them she can get in with the Cabal, and maybe get away from Jamon. But things are not what they seem, and Parrish soon finds herself in deeper than she could ever have believed.

The basic story itself is vaguely interesting. But the writing isn’t. First person narration often results in supporting characters lacking depth and, well character, but in this book Parrish herself isn’t all that interesting or believable. A fairly typical wise-cracking, but scared underneath it all heroine. There is also a fair amount of future slang that seems clunky and forced.

But, over halfway through and the book seems to shift a gear. Almost as though everything in this book is simply setting the scene. Letting the reader get to know the Tert and Viva. Letting us see how things worked, and then suddenly introducing another plot element that really doesn’t seem to fit with everything that has gone before.

From then on it is readable, and even enjoyable. The question is, is this what the other books or like? Or will they return to the dull story-telling-by-numbers of the previous chapters.

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I wasn’t hoping for great things, and all my hopes were met. Not good at all. The basic plot is that some sort of problem sends a group of marines up to Mars to enforce a quarantine and find out what is going on up there.

Turns out there are monster running around.

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Author: Calo Gebbler
ISBN: 1405212551
This is a YA book based on the Irish legend of The Táin. Cúchulainn is the legendary Ulster warrior who is forced to defend the province from the Connacht invasion, and all over one brown bull.

I suppose I should mention that The Táin is my favourite of the Irish myths, and I’ve read a few verions of this story. Kinsella’s translation is probably the most accurate, but Morgan Llywelyn’s On Raven’s Wing is my favourite novelisation of the legend. And this book does very little to change my mind.

There is little by way of characterisation. Setanta/Cuchulainn only appears when he is doing something, there is little realistic motivation, and I didn’t buy any of the characters.

The myth is a tale of romance, magic, of honour, duty and friendship. Little of this appears in the book. The fight between Ferdia and Cuchulainn should be emotive and upsetting, here I really didn’t care.

Then again, it is a YA book so maybe Gébler felt he shouldn’t go too much into the emotions prefering to stick to the adventure and the heroics. If so he did an okay job.

Carlo Gébler | Táin Bó Cualgna - translation |

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• Ewan McGregor …. Lincoln Six Echo/Tom Lincoln
• Scarlett Johansson …. Jordan Two Delta/Sarah Jordan
• Djimon Hounsou …. Albert Laurent
• Sean Bean …. Merrick
• Steve Buscemi …. McCord

This could have been a really interesting film, a proper sci-fi film that raises questions, that asks about society and what we believe in.
Opening with Lincoln Six Echo on a boat, this film looks fantastic. Glossy, bright, cinematic and impressive, but everything that is good about this film is limited to the surface, but what else did I expect from a Michael Bay film?

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