Script: Melissa Rosenberg
Cast: Ashley Greene, Bryce Dallas Howard, Jackson Rathbone, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Rated : 1 Star
Okay, so for those of you who have been wise enough to avoid all the Twilight nonsense, here is a quick catch-you-up; a young girl called Bella moves to live with her father after her mother remarries in order to give the new relationship space. This is a sign of how mature and thinking of others she is. Her father lives in Forks, the rainiest place in the US. This is important, so remember that fact, Forks is rainy and cloudy. At school Bella reveals herself as a clutz and a clumsy moron, but supposedly the boys all suddenly find her irresistible. But she only reciprocates for one boy, Edward is part of a clique that keeps separate from the others. All part of the same family, but adopted or something, the Cullens are just gorgeous and lovely and stand-offish and beautiful and pale and graceful and marvellous and admired by everyone. But whenever it is a sunny day they don’t seem to come to school. The reason, you see, is that they are vampires! And when the sun shines they
burst into flame and die sparkle. Yes, they sparkle in the sunlight.
Oh, there are also werewolves. The local Native American tribe have certain members who can shape-shift into werewolves, and one of these also loves Bella. And hates vampires. And so epic war breaks out… oh, no actually that didn’t happen.
I’m sure something happened in this film. Oh, there was a god-awful looking ring as Bella and Edward got engaged in the most lacking-in-romance-scene ever. And, erm, there was a battle with other vampires with no danger and no tension and no blood-shed, on account of vampires shattering like plaster. Which is a really great idea! not.
Of course if only Bella got together with both Edward and Jacob then everything would have been sorted a long time ago. Or is that more Laurel K Hamilton rather than Meyer-esque.