huge psychotic hippies fencing stolen tellies

31 January 2006

D’you know what I hate? Do you?[1] Well, never fear, I shall reveal all.

What I hate is having a topic to blog about on the way to work, or way back from lunch, but then getting distracted by utter nothingness and forgetting what that topic was. Isn’t it weird the way stuff can just fly out of your head, yet it requires so much effort to get new stuff in there? So I intend to keep typing until an idea either returns, or a new one is born[2]

Also, fuckers who can’t mute their laptops so I get to hear that lovely windows start-up and shut-down tone over and over and over again. Thats lovely that it. Gorgeous. Do you know what they should do, they should release it as a ring tone.

Which in turn, reminds me of something I don’t hate, but do in fact love. That ad for Amstel beer. Not the one where they are sailing to the new world, cause that’s a bit pants. But the Trojan Horse one. Coupla lads, sitting in Troy’s battlements hear a funny noise from outside. So they take a quick look. Nothing there but a big giant horse[3] In a not-too-strong-but-very-recognisable dublin accent, one turns to the other and says “D’ya know what we should do? We should bring it inside.”

I swear, that fella has the best possible delivery of that line ever. This big grin on his face like this is the best idea ever. Strike that, it is even better than that :) So all look at each other. Cut to them having a pint, when one of the others repeats the line, in a tone of voice that says nothing but “you fucking daw you”, and we see the horse stuck in the gates. It isn’t the best advert ever made, but I just love the delivery of that line.

And, no. I still haven’t mernembered what it was that I was going to post about. Must be old age.

And now I’ve gone and said that I’ll type til I think of it. This threat might have backfired. I’m still typing, but the inspiration, she be going. then again, I never said my typing had to be words, did I? Maybe I’ll just type random letters, I’ll be like one of those monkeys trying to come up with the works of Shakespeare. Chained to the keyboard for all eternity. Still, I suppose, if that happens I’ll never actually hit publish, and none of you will ever read this…

Oh, guess what. I’ve remembered. Numfar, do the dance of joy.

Course if you are still reading after all that pointless crap you’ll be expecting a big old payoff won’t you? Well, sorry to disappoint, but unless you lower your expectations I can’t help you. My original topic was The Kingdom of Heaven, yes, the silly film with Orlando Bloom and many many more big names.

Flatmate bought it over the weekend, and we watched it last night after Life on Mars. Well, we watched part of it. I was only going to watch until Lamb[4] died, but then I got distracted by Brendan Gleeson’s great mad bastard character. But, back to the dot beside the point, wasn’t that a terrible, terrible film? In what world did it make sense?

First off, why exactly were we supposed to empathise with Balian[5] as he killed the priest for saying bad things about his dead wife? Surely it was a hell of a lot worse to actually burn someone alive no?

And how in the hell did Balian become such a gorram weapons expert? Maybe all that sword practice he did as a blacksmith in Pirates of the Carribean paid off?

And yet, despite all that shite, it is quite watchable. I mean, I wouldn’t go out of my way t turn it on, but it does have Gleeson’s mad dancing murderous soldier, and I could listen to Jeremy Irons anyday[6] and of course lovely Lamb.

You know what, they should remake that film, only remove the Orlando bits. Oh, and the pointless love story. just keep the mad bastards. It’d be so much more fun don’t you think?


  1. apart from christmas coming too early
  2. – this may take some time, be prepared
  3. you did see that one coming, right?
  4. you remember Lamb don’t you, from Rome. Kevin McKidd
  5. I couldn’t be bothered to look up the spelling of his name, so that may be wrong
  6. Anyone else have flashback to the Lion King when he did the long live the king statement?

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16 Responses

  1. anne says:

    "Cheers, Helen." That's my favourite line…

  2. You really should do an audio post one of these days. Especially so I can hear you say 'fuckers'. Sigh, if I was young and single……

  3. Andi says:

    You know, I have taken drastic steps to increase the amout of blog topics I catch and can actually blog about: I have a notebook and I have an itty bitty voice recorder for catching tidbits. Now if I could only remember to carry the notebook and voice recorder.

  4. Kelly says:

    I'm just going to type a couple minutes and hope something remotely interesting, or I'll even take legible, comes out. For one, Brendan Gleesan is one of my favorites, and I always call him Monk, as in "You know that movie? It has Monk in it?"

    I couldn't watch Kingdom of Heaven. I got to the part where the English (right?) soldiers ambushed the knights (right?) who were camping in the woods. Liam Neesan makes a great king (king, right?) and Orlando Bloom is handsome as all get-out, but unbelievably boring as an actor.

    And Fence, did you get that? FM has a crush on you, but only when you yelp profanities. xo

  5. Not just profanities, I think she's cool even when all she's doing is making fun of Orlando………

  6. Kelly says:

    Would you think she was cool if she was making OUT with Orlando? I, myself, would lose all respect for her. But that's just me.

  7. Not at all! I kinda look like him, so it would almost be as if…….ah hell, who am I kidding. Yep, all respect gone. Plus, I'd tell Mr Baldwin…….

  8. Alan says:

    Since starting my new job and having no internet access during the day I've been forgetting so many things I intended to blog about that now I put them into Word documents and email them to myself at home so I'll remember them in the evening.

    Have managed to avoid seeing that movie so far.

  9. Fence says:

    Anne, I do like the look Helen throws the fella when they say that to her, but I'm sticking with my love of "D'ya know what…"

    But alas FM, you are ancient, sprogged up and attached ;)

    Andi, maybe I should leave my phone recording all day long? That way I wouldn't have to remember anything, it'd all be automatic. Then again, I'd never have time to listen to it all would I?

    Gleeson is god. Well, not really, but I do love his in most films. Of course, he did also play Michael Collins in The Treaty, think that is where my grá for him started.
    And yelp! Who said anything about yelping?

    FM, isn't making fun of Orlando, or Orli as I like to call him, just a little passé now? Maybe to be cutting edge we should praise him? I do love him in Pirates, and Legolas may state the obvious but he is still pretty damn cool.

    Also, if you dobbed me in to Adam there would be repercussions, oh yes, cussions would repered alright….

    Alan, all my great ideas arrive when I'm away from the computer, so can't even email myself. Usually I do remember, or just ramble on anyways.

  10. Kelly says:

    You should write ideas on your hands, like I do. "Stalk Adam Baldwin – check." "Stop mocking Orli – chec… No. Too much fun." I ADORE Legolas and want to be him, but he annoyed me a little in Return. Orlando just ANNOYS me, poor little thing. Unlike Monk, who DOES inspire all manner of worship. I'll have to look him up in The Treaty.

    I TOTALLY heard yelping.

  11. banzai cat says:

    I don't know about you people but from my end, all of you people have funny accents (said the guy whose first language isn't even English). ;-)

    And they should really make a movie about the Crusade that had lots of mad Englishmen and crazy French.

  12. Fence says:

    Kelly, how big do you think my hands are? The Treaty is one o'dem historical types, about the Anglo-Irish treaty which led to the foundation of the Free State, and the Civil War.
    Also, about your earlier description of KoH, the knights were French. As was Orli and Neeson (Ha!) and Neeson was a baron.

    Banzai, once they aren't funny like John Cleese's French accent in Monty Python then everything is fine.

  13. Carl V. says:

    Haven't seen the Amstel commercial but I am definitely wanting to now. Heard enough bad reviews of Kingdom of Heaven to not waste any precious seconds of life watching it. Seems like the old epic film genre is tanking lately. All these big budget, multiple star historical epics seem to turn out crap.

  14. Fence says:

    There is a link to the advert in the post Carl.

  15. Carl V. says:

    Sweet, didn't notice that on the work PC…just watched it, very funny! Thanks!

  16. Kelly says:

    Fence. Never. correct. me. again. It sickens me.

    But okay, you have small hands.