This Mortal Coil

2 November 2005

Not sure what this is all about. I’m also going to stick it on Story-crossing, see if anyone wants to add anything.
The beginning popped into my head while listening to You and Your Sister by This Mortal Coil, hence the title. Also the lyrics provide some of the story-lines, but this is unrelated to the song.

“Let me whisper in your ear.”

The voice is low and breathy, inviting and yearning. All I have to do is nod my head. Assent and all this… this, I hesitate to call it an annoyance. That is too weak a term, too little an emotion for what I experience. Part of me wants to name it Torment. Desire. Hell. That is the other extreme, and while possibly, maybe, the truth it suggests I’m a drama queen. And worse. Much worse. Hints at madness.

I’m not mad. They may say so. Hearing voices isn’t exactly sane but – Well I have no comeback to that now do I?

I can’t remember when I first heard this voice. Just that one day I realised that the soft sound in the background was not the leaves rustling in the wind. Nor the mindless chatter of someone else’s radio. No easy-to-explain sound, but a voice only I could hear. I did what I think anyone would do. I ignored it. Persuaded myself that my over-active imagination was playing tricks on me. I can’t think that any longer. Was fooling myself.

“Don’t you worry they can’t hear”

I know that! That’s the problem. All I want is to be left alone. Let me have my normal life back. When I didn’t hear you tell me what you want. What you need. I hate you!

I hate you. Hate you.

But. I want to give in. Want to agree. My friends have failed me. Every day. Just as you said. Does that prove you right? Or am I mad? If I’m mad they haven’t failed me. They’ve acted in my best interest. The best interests of a crazy person.

No. I don’t want to believe that. I’m rational. I know I am. If only I knew what you wanted. Then maybe I could stop my feeble attempts at ignoring you and fight you instead. Or help you. But I don’t know what you want. All you are doing is making me suffer.

Enough! I told myself, promised myself, I would ignore you. That means no asking what you want. You aren’t real. Not real, if I repeat it maybe I’ll believe it, maybe it’ll be made true. I don’t hear you in the wind. Don’t see you in the mirror. I don’t. Won’t.

“Fears will soon fade away.”

I’m not afraid of you. Nothing to fear from something that isn’t real. You don’t exist. I won’t let you. Why won’t you leave me alone. In peace. Sometimes I think… No. That is not a rational thought, no one wonders if life would be easier if they were dead. That thought makes no sense. If I was dead then there would be no life to make easier. I don’t want to die. And I don’t want you around, whatever you are, imaginary figmant, ghost, hell, for all I know this is some crazy reality tv programme. I wonder what they’d title it? Big Crazy Brother? Madness Inducing Island? Insanator?

I’m rambling now. My thoughts circling, they make no sense, not even to me, maybe I am mad. Should I just resign myself to- No! I’m not mad. I’m not, am I?

“I’d reassure you if I could”

Reassure me! No. I’m past reassuring at this stage. Well past it. Reassurance is what you need when you are lying in bed and hear an unexpected creak. When you wonder is there someone there. When you are lying in bed telling yourself it was just the pipes. Just the pipes, yet there is a shiver up your spin and a cold sweat forming. That’s when you need reassurance. Then you can roll over, see that there really is no one there. Your mind can rest, you are safe.

I can’t do that. I roll over and I see a shadow flickering past me. I don’t hear a creak. I hear you. Whispering. Words I don’t want to hear. How can you reassure me when you do not exist? You can not exist.

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1 Response

  1. Carl V. says:

    I like it, great stuff Fence!