Braveheart

Cast:

Do you remember when Braveheart came out, and everyone was going on about how great it was? Were they simpler times do you reckon, or were we just blinded by the gore?

I ask the question because now I really can’t watch that film at all without thinking how shite it is. I can still enjoy it on some level[1], but I don’t think I’ve sat through the entire film in quite a while. Even when it was the telly a short while ago and there was nothing else on at all, I still spent most of my time station hopping.

So when The Community at Large had an entry entitled Braveheart ripped apart, well I couldn’t resist now could I?

And so I found the history-film sporkers, and their wonderful take on how really wrong almost everything and anything that appeared in Braveheart was.

Wallace senior: Let’s fight the English!
Fellow Scots: Umh, ah… you know, we’re farmers… all the noblemen were killed at the meeting!
fourth_rose: Then who’s Robert the Bruce, pray?
cutecoati: And since when are the Wallaces farmers? Lower gentry, okay, but farmers?
Wallace senior: We don’t have to beat them, just fight them.
cutecoati: Now that’s what I call a strategist!
fourth_rose: And look, they got their swords hidden under the roofs of their cottages!
cutecoati: Thank God it never rains in Scotland

cutecoati:: Wait, let me at least get the timelines straight (no, that was not intended as a pun). William Wallace was born in the 1270s and died in 1305. Edward II was born in 1284 and married Isabelle in 1308 when he was already king and Wallace was dead!


[1] – mainly the “all Sasanach are bastard’s” level, but that’s only good for 5 minutes before it gets old. Cause everyone knows that you English peoples are evil and love nothing more than gore and blood and torture. What do you mean that’s only true in Mel Gibon films? (back)

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14 Responses

  1. NineMoons says:

    I stopped being able to watch it after I moved to Scotland and really started to hear how bad the accents were. Not just Mel's but everyone's!
    We have it on DVD but I wouldn't watch it that often – it's kinda depressing really.
    But the historical accuracy stuff never bothers me too much probably cos I was raised on a diet of Westerns, which generally do that mythologising stuff a lot. OK, so stuff like Wallace being the father of the future king of England and all that wank was clearly bollocks but other stuff that was in there to make him look like a big hero and everything so that's OK.
    I remember reading somewhere that the original script didn't bother with Wallace and the Princess gettin it on but that studio bosses (who know all and see all) wanted him to have a lurve interest. Not the dead wife. I always prefer it when they go on mourning like Maximus, not leppin on the first bint to cross their path after their true love kicks it, like Duncan McLeod (of the Clan McLeod).
    OK, I'm going back to study now. It was a fun break. I went down to check the post. There wasn't any.

  2. Fence says:

    Inaccuracy doesn't bother me either, but it is fun to read how wrong they got most stuff. I'm still intrigued by the fact that roman soldiers wore their swords on the right (or left if left-handed). Just seems wrong.

    thats from a different history-sporting btw, there were no Romans in braveheart.

  3. NineMoons says:

    No Romans in Braveheart?

    What film were you watching? There's that whole chariot race. It's one of the most famousest of film sequences..

  4. Fence says:

    Oh! Right. Forgot about that I must have.

  5. Carl V. says:

    Sorry I can't go with you on this one Fence. Watched it again recently and Braveheart is still one of my favorite movies. Love the romance, LOVE Sophie Marceau in those gorgeous velvet outfits, and think its not only a fun adventure film but I've always been inspired by it. Historical inaccuracies aside the movie still represents a real time period in which people rose up to fight for what they believed in. I'm on of those cynical idealists and I'm always awed and inspired by Braveheart. But that's just me! :)

  6. Fence says:

    Well it does take all sorts Carl :)

    I can watch maybe half of it. Then I just fall asleep, well not actually, coz the screaming and battle cries would wake me up but you know…

    I'd be really interested in a film about real "She-Wolf of France" and maybe if Marceau played the same character again you'd get to enjoy more velvet dresses. Who knows

  7. Carl V. says:

    What I need is an interesting film where Marceau and Monica Belluci star together….now that would be worth watching! :)

    Thanks for not abusing me too greatly for my Braveheart love.

  8. Anne says:

    Carl. Monica Bellucci is one of the worst actresses EVAH.
    But I did like Braveheart. Maybe because I saw it after that shite film with Liam Neeson and Jessica Lange, whatever it was called.
    Rob Roy. Yeah. Ugh.

  9. banzai cat says:

    Well, after watching Braveheart, it did get me to pick up a bio on Robert the Bruce just to see what kind of character he was.

    Hey, I thought it was one hell of a great name. Call me… Banzai the Cat.

    Oh wait, I am a cat. Drat.

  10. Fence says:

    Rob ROy wasn't that terrible was it? Mildly entertaining.

    You could be Banzai Cat the Cat? of Banzai Cat the Brian? Just some ideas I'm throwing out.

  11. NineMoons says:

    Think Rob Roy just got bad press cos it was more about one guy trying to take care of himself and his family rather than uniting a nation against the evil English oppressors. Tim Roth (Oscar nominee if I ain't mistaken) was brilliant in it. And I love Liam Neeson. But it was hard to appreciate when compared with the rebel-rousing kilt-raising antics of William Wallace.

  12. weenie says:

    Braveheart the film is best enjoyed if you don't relate it to historical fact! The wobbly weapons held by the Scots as they charge the English also takes some seriousness out of it. I never believed it was true anyway, but at the time, yep, it was a fab film!
    Please don't dissect Gladiator just yet…it's still one of my faves! ;)

  13. Fence says:

    Weenie the sporkers have done Gladiator, and I read and enjoyed their dissecting. But I still think the film is great, although I do dislike the carrying of the body at the ending especially with the crappy kid.

    Apart from that though it has to rank as one of the best film around, imo :)

  14. weenie says:

    Hmm…I agree with you about the kid at the end! Grrr! ;)