The Hobbiton Report

These are the findings of Lord Hobbiton’s Inquiry into the death of
Boromir of Gondor, during the events known as the ‘War of the Ring’,
as reported by Professor Tolkien.

This Inquiry finds that Boromir was entrusted by his father, the
Steward of Gondor, with the task of discovering the plans being made
by Elrond of Rivendale for war in Middle-Earth. Boromir appears to
have acted outside of his appointed office by speaking to the Council
of Elrond and by participating in the undertaking known as the
Fellowship of the Ring. It is
clear that these were the events that led to the death of Boromir on
a remote wooded hillside.

I can find no evidence that there was a first hand witness to
Boromir’s death and so have to dismiss as unreliable Professor
Tolkien’s assertion that Boromir was ‘shot by Orcs’. Having failed
to carry out his father’s wishes, it seems that Boromir committed
suicide by rolling in arrows of uncertain origin, without the
involvement of any third party.

This Inquiry further finds that Professor Tolkien’s repeated attacks
on the character and motives of Sauron, the Lord of Mordor, are
unfounded. Sauron was, by Professor Tolkien’s own evidence, the
creator and rightful owner of the object known as ‘the one ring’.
This Inquiry is satisfied that Professor Tolkien accurately reported
existing historical documents which tell of the theft of the one ring
by Isuldur immediately after he attempted to murder Sauron. It is
clear therefore that Sauron was unlawfully deprived of the one ring
and that it was the duty of those who found it to return it to him
and to apologise at the earliest opportunity. As Lord of Mordor,
Sauron was fully entitled to maintain a standing army and to
institute a search for his property. This Inquiry finds that he acted
at all time within his
lawful rights and finds no evidence of any covert or underhand plan
to bring harm to Middle Earth.

This Inquiry finds that Professor Tolkien constantly, in his own
published works, makes highly prejudicial comments about Sauron,
frequently naming him as ‘the Dark Lord’ and representing his
language as ‘the black tongue of Mordor’. This highly colourful style
of writing is far from the responsible reporting that Professor
Tolkien represents himself as providing. It is clear that Professor
Tolkien’s version of events relies heavily on a
number of unreliable sources. Gandalf the wizard is a shady character
who uses a variety of aliases and by Professor Tolkien’s own
admission is responsible both for killing the Balrog charged with the
defence of Moria and for usurping the proper authority of the Steward
of Gondor. Aragorn, a friend of Gandalf, also uses a variety of
aliases and is directly descended from Isildur, the original
ring-thief. Boromir has failed to carry out the
orders of his father and also plans to steal the one ring; but
without the intention of returning it to it’s rightful owner, he
intendeds to use it for his own gain. Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin,
the Halflings can be said at best to have fallen in with bad company;
less charitably it could be noted that they are closely related to
previous owners of the ring, Sméagol who killed to obtain it and
Bilbo who stole it from Sméagol. The remaining companions Gimli and
Legolas are a pair of murderous thugs, solely interested in who of
them has the greater number of deaths to their name.

Professor Tolkien should have been far more careful in sourcing his
reports of the War of the Ring and his reliance on an assortment of
dubious witnesses is to be deplored. At no point does he manage to
show that Sauron is other than the rightful owner of the ring, and
there is not one single reliable report of Sauron directly causing
harm to the life or
reputation of those with whom he came into contact. Indeed this
report finds Lord Sauron’s
motives and actions throughout to be irreproachable. Boromir was a
fine warrior and a worthy representative of Gondor until he abandoned
his appointed duties and his death seems to be entirely due to the
shame he felt at the way his actions had been misrepresented in the
biased and unfair reporting of Professor Tolkien.

All knighthoods and country estates gratefully received

Lord Hobbiton of Fantasy Worl

This was sent to me in an email forward, but no mention of where it came from. Anyone know?

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